THINGS that touches my heart: you know who's the dearest to you when you are unwell and they are the ones who messages you asking how you are feeling now.. keechen, joanna, yunzhi thanks for your concern babes!
WITHDRAWN: it's hard being such a person. the over sensitive type. when i think thinking too much is really unhealthy. i cant control. i cant understand why am i still in the comm when im not doing a single thing just because the world doesnt stop for me i forced myself to stay. thinking about so many things bring about all the emotions all that is the same one...
i disguise myself. i force myself to forget what im really am deep inside what i really feel inside. i hate the feeling of it. the laughters and jokes are there just because i wanna hide everything and just run away.. --emo bites--
PAUSE THE SONG BY THE SIDE!
my next favourite song. cos i can relate well to the lyrics at this point..
I'll Remember You: It has been so long since we have talked I hope that things are still the same hoping they will never change cause what we had can't be replaced don't let our memories fade away keep me in your heart for always
You made me believe that I can do almost anything stood right by me through the tears through everything
I'll remember you, and baby that's forever true you're the one that I'll always miss never thought it would feel like this I'll be there for you, no matter what you're goin' through in my heart you'll always be, forever baby I'll remember you
I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried You'll always be the sun in my sky It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday Even though we go seprate ways
You made me believe that I can do almost anything You stood right by me through the tears through everything
I'll remember yooooou, and baby that's forever true you're the one that I'll always miss never thought it would feel like this I'll be there for yooooou, no matter what your goin' through in my heart you'll always be, forever baby I'll remember you
If the day should come when you need someone (you know that i'll follow) I will be there Don't ever let there be a doubt in your mind 'cause I'll remember you, you
I'll remember you, and baby that's forever true you're the one that I'll always miss never thought it would feel like this I'll be there for you, no matter what your goin' through in my heart you'll always be, forever baby I'll remember you
Forever baby, I'll remember you
the JOURNEY that I've chosen. i will remember the experience, the memories that comes along with it. the ups and downs, the many points of life when i have my Firsts. my first time experiencing the many new things. my first time going up and speak infront of the school, the first time organizing a event, the first time i met a group of people that makes me feel family in school. the many many other first times... the place where i build up my courage. this perfect place may seems a distant now, but i cherish these memories. i do not enjoy myself now cos i've enjoyed myself too much in the past. things are different now, people change, relationships with others change. everything changes except for the memories... I'll remember those..
the PEOPLE i've met: i enjoy the time spent with some particular people. Jo who's always there since i've got to know her through the people-always-think-is-a-screwed-up comm. i've not regretted being in that committee for that very reason. old mama, my ticketing IC. the comm that im so proud of, the card that i feel the satisfaction in. the girl who doesnt know how to use the com well and every simple things i do she will think it's amazing, the girl whom i chatted with first, cos of the confidence she gives me.. the two sweetest girls who can put anyone above themselves. i'll remember you, the times when you two make me feel like i'm me. the times when i dont need to pretend to be someone else. the moments when i dont feel like hanging out with others but you two.. the ones who will always be cheering me on by giving me notes during random days of the weeks cos they know im down.. the ones whom i will remember and not wish to change the way of how we greet each other though we step down. the times that we've promised one another to meet to go out. i will remember...
KEECHEN: when i told you to come for my Invest and you said that i'll finally be back with you guys. i think that moment when you said that line, it really melts my heart. and it made me realised how much ive neglected you. i dont know how to react at that moment cos i could already feel tears welling in my eyes and im at a freaking mall! last year, im the one who wanted to cry when you could not get in cos i know i will drift apart from you. you are the strong one who remained calm. you are the one who "gelled" me on to the others. you are the one who teaches me how to be more forgiving. you are the one i will go to late at night when i feel lousy at home alone and we will chat till we sleep. you are the one when i complained to you how i feel and you will just be there quietly listening and thinking of how to cheer me up after that. you are the one i want to go to when i feel lost at the other parts of my life. i cant continue here any longer, cos it's more and more private. just remember, you are never once forgotten.. you are too significant in my life to be forgotten... and i miss you too...
it's just one of these many thoughts that made the tears flow on and on and on... i'll remember you...
this weekend sorta cool! long weekend, no council on Saturday, less homework, or is it i've did less.
saturday was cool when i went out with mum to TM. went for dinner, and just as i went up the escalator to the 2nd storey, the entire escalator was infested with meridians. INFESTED cos i dont really enjoy seeing meridians when im relaxing... luckily that evening i've decided to be slightly more glam and wore contacts. if not i'll be like silly silly jo. but didn't see her in the end though..
went to the shop Split. the shirt are pretty cool. and bought a tank top which my mum say it's pretty not me. cos it has many prints on it. while my mum said that my style is towards the plain type. never mind.. the sale is good. and bought someone's prezzie along with it! bleahhhss..
Sis and Kynan came over that night. and lil kynan is so so adorable. he's like a BIG boy now who follows whatever you do. when we made the teddy bear somersault, he will follow too! videos shall be up too.. and he's learning how to walk!!! arhhh... lastly, he keeps me off reality! though i didn't start on my revision cos i cant finish my work.
talked to jie jie too. about what i wanna be in future. and things that are happening... seems long long time ago since we've last talked all these stuffs. when we shared the room together. so so long already. wanted to go out when i know we are going to start this type of convo. cos i thought it will turn out awkward. but end up...... it's nice and pleasant. well oh wells.. this tells me not to escape unnecessary.
a time away from everything when it's back to everything once i go back to reality. i cant run away forever...
-SMILES, for frowns are just smiles from another perspective..- --dearieKelly
DISCLAIMER: i've created this okayyss, must state my name.. hahaas, kidding! PS: though real smiles are the one that melts people's worries away, cos it comes from the heart. and your entire face, eyes, brows, cheeks, etc etc.., will lit up instead of just your mouth... [read it from a magazine]
i'm now finishing whatever's left in the entire tub of ice cream too bad it's Strawberry Ripple and not some chocolate-y ice cream dumb dumb jo had put the perception that chocolate will make me feel happier after consumption. i'm supposed to be doing the whole day of work, since yesterday i've wasted my entire precious day away after sacrificing Movie Marathon. but could not get myself started. hence i'm here blogging away..
two dumb things happened to me yesterday. i've got hit by the stupid 7-eleven doors when it tried to close on me. where's the sensor?!?!?! i disgraced myself infront of so many kids when i saw a lizard...! dumb dumb dumb~~!!!
i feel myself being so cynical that whenever someone said something or something happen, i will tend to look towards the negative side and probe deeply and thoughts of criticism will soon surface. i cant help it but feel that it's all because of whatever we've went through. i no longer feel the FAMILY feeling that we used to feel. when we are eating, i just wanted to leave rather badly board on a long bus trip and never see or communicate with any of them but then when i'm with dumb dumb jo again, i felt rather different. think it's depressing to have something like that to happen. both to me and those i've these feelings to.. but i just could not help it. the hugs that we gave one another. the significance of it...
i was feeling happy and laughing away when with dumb jo and her friend, royston well, thanks to that girl and royston with the funny conversations and us looking at both girls and guys around at PS really made my day. plus the ice cream for my dinner made it better. cheer up, royston :) a smile is a frown from another perspective. keep smiling! went to try out the CIP they're doing. teaching pri 3 kids. one of the girls was like saying every math question is difficult and kept asking for my help. but she could finish english rather quickly cos she seems to like it. this made me feel that i seems to be like her when i dislike the subject, i will just skip every questions and wait for teachers to go through during tutorials. hmmm, maybe i should reflect..
i needa get myself into the lifestyle which i needed to get in. before it's too late.. i must learn how to stand firm and not be wavered by others.. since the world doesn't stop for me, i will not be hindered by whatever it has for me.
someone said to me: "it's no use getting out of it, cos at the end of the day, you'll still be thrown back in.." i've believed this so so much. but i dont know how to help her though i sometimes wanted so much to. maybe it's just that i cant bring myself to.
*****
i dislike the feeling when i know where it's going towards. i run away cos i know it's the best way...
-when i could stand tall and strong and nothing could bring me down...-
Saturday, April 05, 2008
the top 3 issues that had been keeping me preoccupied for the entire week. 2 of them should be more or less settled.
FIRST:
the ones in mylife.
i'm glad i've got dearie dearie Jo who had helped me gotten back my dearest old mama. really grateful to you two. dont be too worried about me okays. feel so mean,i didn't met up with jo and old mama just now.. sorries.. we'll meet up some other time okays. you two must also pour out your sorrows to me, like how i always do, torturing you two. share them with me, so that we can brave them all together.. and remember, never HI-BYE friend arhh! or i will bite you two real hard!!
SECOND:
my vision of the path i've taken is upside down.
council in general. i've said what i've felt. the rest is just up to time and fate.. let nature's takes its course..
THIRD:
the lightthat will brighten up in time to come.
wells oh wells, left with the last which i have to make the decision myself. i think i've decided more or less. yepps.. i know where i'm heading to, and i shall stay focussed.i mustn't falter...
-when my life shall be the way of rainbow..-
myUTOPIA:
the sun will always shine after the rain.
thought there's rain, there will be the rainbow to brighten up the dull sky... and the rainbow is the Nature's smile upside down.
i hope the friends i find in council will be like the friendships with kc, bs, wl and bz.
when i will feel bad not being able to join them
when we need not meet up regularly
but meet up less than once a month, and yet had lots of things to share about.
it sounds nice and sweet, still staying in contact since primary school.
but i really think it's the effort, heart and soul on each and other's will.
i'm glad i didn't gave them up when i felt that i could not spare the time to bond with them. cos i realised that they will always be there waiting for me.
i hope i can be like these with old mama and dearie dearie jo and some others. when we need not meet and yet we knew we existed in each other's lives before.
i'm willing to wait for you guys... will you give me the chance to?
someone asked me today, something along this line.. "if i were to give you a chance to decide again, would you still take the piece of form?" i sorta confidently answered, yes.. because of the presence of the close friends i've gained from this journey. because of the experiences that really made me a stronger and better person.
*****
another person said to me something along this line as well. "i should just learn to be another person, but i must still be a person that i would like in future."
*****
i've said to someone.. "if i do not care as much, just like some people, maybe i would not be hurt as much."
*****
somethings touched me very easily while others anger me too. some people can really just say some brainless stuff and not do all the necessary basic stuff and think they're the best. i really cannot cannot stand such people. when they could really say things and not think and NOT do things.. simple things like taking people words seriously cant even be done let alone great things.
the higher one go, the greater the your mistake will be amplified. but i dare say you guys are just not good at all cos after all it's just an empty shell that's so hollow. the substance i thought was there was not there already. please convince me that your true qualities were there all along and prove to me that i was wrong now... the more you expect of someone, the more disappointed you will be. i think it's just the complacency that gotten into some of you.
my ideologies back again: if all the "don't-bother" and "don't-dare-speak-up" group's presence is not appreciated even the "neither-here-nor-there" group will not wish to speak up. cos whatever they say, the "noisy" group will just be so defensive all over again and whatever they say will not be taken into consideration again. over time, if the "noisy" group can sustain ALONE, then it's great. if not, it's better to reflect and do something..
if the "noisy" group can learn, so can the "neither-here-nor-there", "don't-bother" or "don't-dare-speak-up" groups we should learn from all the recent rallies. if one wish to lead, you need to start from the bottom and be among the crowd in order to lead. you wont understand how we feel if you think you are just HIGHLY up there if you think you are up there because of your capabilities, better think again shouldn't it be the opportunities your friends had given you??
i think many people will get what i'm trying to say. i've learnt that it's better to say things out rather than keeping it within. i'm not a NOBLE person who's trying to help others improve. and i dont wish people to think of me as it. cos im just an unhappy person ranting out my accumulated frustrations. im just stating what i think. now i could only learn how not to be so affected and i'll laugh it off as a passing joke my sarcasm level in my daily conversation had really improved alot and i must thank all the trauma i've going through.
i could only force myself not to think about it. cos i just wanna end it off at a good and happy point.. i believe that you will keep remembering the bad memories, but it's the good memories that will stay longer in you...
*****
just something to end off:
i wish i could be of that innocence. the simplicity in thoughts and doing things just because i'm afraid of what other think of me but what my gut feelings leading me to. i can thus reflect upon myself clearly just as clear as what the water will show. the innocence that never lies.
[and innocence is not childish!]
-i found my old long-lost friend back in you again...-
