old mama gone

-when she's gone...-
i'm abit affected by whatever is happening.
ermm..
actually not a bit
i dont know what is happening.
so where's the promise?

im still in a state of shock
and soon things are coming in slowly..
my reactions
emotions
blah blah blah
am i suppose to just absorb it like so toot
and not have any opinions about it...?

just hope tomorrow will be fine
well,
at least fake me can...

-when your presence are slipping through my fingers...-

smiles

just finished printing the Physics answers like super spammed can!
exams are just a waste of paper
there goes more trees!
it's really the whole stack of it!

yeahh,
bedok library was cool.
was relaxing myself after a while
and looking through some Psychology books
i like those SMALL books
with short meaningFULL lines on each page.
cool..
and i started looking through them.
some quotes from here and there...
think they make so much much sense...

-if your heart is filled with darkness, there wont be room for sunshine, and you'll never be able to light up the lives of others...-

-while the peak is the highest point of our growth process, we often overlook the fact that it also represents stagnation as well as the beginning of a decline...-

-glad that we have four seasons and the weather is always changing so that we will all appreciate a sunny day...-

many things that we are glad..:
- that you can always make unexpected new friends.
- that's there's friends who phone when they are sad and lost and ask you to support them.
- that it only takes 30 days to form a new habit...
- that we can always have our own share of our memories close to our hearts

*****

gotta go soon.
cos i need to rush out the council gifts!
it's super belated can..
cos i WAS planning to give on invest
but thennnnnn...
my plan was ruined
cos now i think lots of the emotions are forgotten...
anyways!
tmr council farewell.
farewell not something that im rejoicing about
but i think it's the meeting of familiar faces...

was thinking of meeting up with some peep
and go to the sandcastle site!
see what had happened to our Global City!

gotta rushhh!!!
no sleep for tonight kelly!!

*****

RANDOMS!

he rawks my Sunday!
i love his round black eyes looking intently
i love his dimples
i love his voice!
byebye...~

STRANGER

STRANGER
the cold air around me
the familiar yet unfamiliar face

it's the warmth from inside...

i like to feel it all coming back
but hate to feel it slipping out of my fingers once again.

-i cant comprehend what's on your mind...-

smiles

Sandcastles are just the imaginary objects that people dream to own...

-Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your SMILE.-

Friends are like the cement that holds everything together.
i think i've been neglecting a few of my besties recently.
cos i could no longer understand what they are thinking
just like how they will always try to understand mine.
sorry...

to the girls out there: guys are not the living things existing in our world.

-Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...-

sent out

i think there's no bloggie that's updating at a fast enough rate for me to read.
this means that....
i'm coming online too frequent??
i guess cos this is my only way to know more about those around me
after the days im cooped up at home.

*****

just read today's Straits Times' forum.
there's a couple of opinions about students and teachers requesting for tuition.
and the parents are objecting to it????
i am clueless what are these people are thinking.
everything just depends on different family and child right?
writing to the papers can help them in anyway???
what is the society turning into..?
and they are just parents of primary and secondary 1 students
too much education for us make us into what we are.

competition is the word.
if you are afraid your child of losing out,
then send him/her to one.
this is what the society is all about.
you cant complain to stop all the competition going around right.
"Paper chase"
yeahh, let me continue chasing it...

i think i'm getting a bit loony already.

*****

i cant hold on to anything much,
as there isn't much there for me to hold on in the first place
so much of a low expectations.

out of everything ventured out,
i will gain and lose some things
the minimum is that I'll always learn a new experience.

she misses...

SHE MISSES THE HUMAN TOUCH

she misses going school early in the morning with her besties.
she misses her class clique and the jokes they crack.
she misses sitting through lectures beside jiawen.
she misses her so-called "mean-girls club".

she misses having girly chats with jojo.
she misses having girly chats with keechen.
she misses having girly chats with oldmama.
she misses having girly chats with qiani.

she misses having chats with all these people she adores.
she misses being nice yet sarcastic to the guys around her.
she misses all the smses conversation that will bring a smile to her face.

she misses the A2 clique during the dreaded pre-u sem
she misses the times when she played Give me Tempo
she misses the times when she played Polar Bear
she misses the times when she played Asshole
she misses the times when she played HEART ATTACK
she misses the times when she played Cheat
she misses the times when she spent with all of them.

she misses the loud noises she will hear during council
she misses everything EXCEPT all the notes that stayed beside her for the entire day!
she misses....

and today is just official Day 2 of mugging

-shall kill it before it kills me...-

rainbows

conditioning.
it's when's your body gets so used to doing something
that you will sub-consciously do it without noticing.

*****

i found the importance to
be grateful with what i have now
and not lament on what i didnt have
at least it will make my life as of now happier

so much of thinking into the future makes everything harder to live for
and you may not expect the future as accurately as you thought you could.
when can i see the rainbow again?

-i think this phase is disappearing as fast as it happened...-

wwahhhhaaa

i want to bish someone
upside down!
inside out!


you've wasted so much of my time...

anger

EC
emotions control

i think i really need to keep that in check!
i've been low and high and low for the entire day
and it's gets on my nerves
cos i cant control them!

i detest when people does things like this
why must you fall for it again
why must you take people for granted
why cant you think of what others is feeling
why must life gets so irritating in just one short day????

she feels like she being made used of
she's not as free as you think
she's not some answering machine
with no feelings nor emotions.
she's a living person with everything just like you.
can you just stop whatever you are doing if you dont mean it
and be sincere in whatever you are doing if you really really mean it.

i'm irritated
i'm troubled
i dont know what i'm doing
i dont know what i want.
can all of you just disappear out of my life for once???

ps: i shall just let my hp batt die off. 1 last bar until fri! so call me at my house if you really wish to contact me. yeah yeah, remember me no whatever machine. and i think only those who truly care will have my no...it's just a sweeping statement. it doesnt apply to all.

-i cant comprehend what's on your mind nor on my mind...-

happHAPPY

was feeling a lil down and thinking abt some stuffs for the entire afternoon
[a.k.a "e*oing", but i refuse to use that word cos it's so overused!]
all related to the super duper BIG event Pre-U seminar
ended up coming online to submit some assignment
but ended ended up digressing
cos my group had been mass emailing everyone words of appreciations.
aren't they so sweet??
and i didnt actually feel so much about this event even after it
like have some sentiments
but not as exaggerated as what my other friends are feeling.
cos i know that all these will definitely die down like real fast
just like syc and council.
people lament how much they miss something
but still life goes on right...

okayy back to my group!
dont know how to describe them,
because the words can describe the experience with them all
all i could say is that dont every judge a person by which school they come from.
yeahh, so no sterotype!

wheee! just gotten the photos from my group members!
my group scarySHIT
they took more than 600 photos for just the sandcastle day
and the entire event we have like lots and lots of them!
both professional and artistic looking ones
and also those spamming and camwhoring ones
all in the exclusive selection.
luckily there's some pro guy in my group who also know how to mass upload them
efficient!
i've spent so lonnnnggg looking for the long-awaited one!!
waaaakkakaka!!!
happyhappyHAPPY!
i'm really high now!
i've spent abt an hour talking to some cuckoo person
laughing like crazy!
and looking through these photos.
i think one of the cameraman have a fetish for guys
and plus the power of the pro cam
there's lotsa random guys in the HUGE album!
whahahaa,
it's alright, though...

shall do up the photos in SLIDES after my papers
or sometime soon when i'm slacking!
tadaaaa.. off to do my gp assignment!
i've wasted too much time
gosshhh!!
another hour had passed!!

i like this the best!
cos got lots of effort put inside.
the towers in the sky...

-the sunshine you've brought into my eyes...-
i hope they wont be gone for long...
i hope they wont be an illusion...

i have so much things going through my mind
or is it just one huge thing??
i have no idea
i dont know what i want

i just know i need to settle down
if not i can just kill my MYE
not gonna do that.
now that i've got no excuse to flunk anything.
concentration and FOCUS!!

remember not to expect anything...
go KELLY!

-i need that drive in me...-

you you and you

i think i've caught the bug to blog
abt every single thoughts i have in my mind
and it's uber-ly unhealthy for me.
gonna change it!

went to read 2nd sis bloggy
she seems so un-her
and i think the confidence in her irks me
and the expectations she have for herself
well,
seems so fake.
gosh, total bitchy-ness early in the morning..

now waiting for kynan baby and big sis to come over.
and need to complete my uncompleted hw
which i've procrastinated since so long.

*****

whenever my phone rings with the msg tone
i looked straight at the name
i hate to admit it to you..
the though of you
seems stuck in there
and im afraid i will forget how you look
cos the chances of us meeting again seems so miserable...
you, you and you!

-when i must get you outta my head...-

me and you

where the horizons are the limits...

read an email yesterday and also on jojo's blog.
some of it just made so much sense.

*****

- Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.-

i hope this is the case,
cos im so afraid of bringing my hopes high up above
and down they fall all over again.
cos it really hurt big-time if it were to happen.
now,
i can only see the beauty of it.

*****

-No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.-

if it's true, please let it be as long as it can...

*****

-Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.-

i believe strongly to this,
and i shall not have any utopian view in this case
cos i know i dont want the disappointment
when it all doesnt happen.

*****

you taught me that

"Life is too short to waste, and so we must make full use of it."

it made too much sense that i dont know how to go about doing it.
i like the moment when i've seen you
i like noticing you from afar...
you gave me the push to work towards what you've done
at least i really see a real-life scenario.
please do not take it away from it
just like what it used to happen...
BUT i hate to admit this is just the beginning...

ps: those lines that are so small are meant not to be read. so no point squinting your eyes...

the stranger

today was a slack-iest day ever since term II had begun.
that's what i think.
slept in like nobody's business
unpacked my luggage in like 15 minutes
snoozed again while watching television
messages going in and out while watching television
dinner and helped my mum with some housework,
cos she's preparing the ingredients for the rice dumpling.

wowww.. i did alot alot
except mugging!
sleeping with no limit
watching television with no limit
seems so much like a history.
it will become that soon
after tomorrow's concert
which is supposed to be a chilling out time with my pretty sistas
i shall get back to my real life.
will do at least the same as or better than him!!
hahahaa..
your advice will be heeded!
lol.
it sounded so different when used by different people.
i'm so afraid of being given false hopes.
pleaso dont do so...

RANDOMS:
sometimes the "sorry" word is so overused.
that it loses it's significance.
say it only when you mean it.
say it if you arent gonna do it again
say it only when you are truly guilty for it
if not,
it will not make any difference to the mistake you've done.
i wasnt even pissed at you for the mistake you've done
at least not pass the 1st hour.
and what amuses me is the sms you've sent
it's just so you.
was upset when how meaningless the word "sorry" was used thereafter.
sometimes there's not much of a need to tell others what you are feeling
as it will not help the situation much.
cos the impression is just way too deeply etched to be salvaged.

another point is that
i've told jojo abt how our daily life differs from council life
because of the people we need to handle are starkly different
so no worries for now
well,
aint im glad it's all over...

the stranger:
the hopes that seem to sparkle so much
may them not go off...
may them not be an illusion...

back home

finally back to the civilisation
after the long stay at the hills, NTU.
been seeing the same group of people and surroundings for the past many days
though they're fun group of peeps and the living conditions are well above standards
but still... i miss my normal life.[except the mugging part]

the past 6 days were well filled with ups and downs.
when i feel discouraged, angry, happy, ecstatic, boy-crazy, real tired out, not-sure-who-i-am
and so many many others which i cant remember now.
btw i think i slept less than 24 hours for the past 5 nights for sure.
it's when you finally get to hang out with the A2 peeps and some others
that you cant resist the temptation not to play cards with them rather than having the beauty sleep
CONSEQUENCES: after the entire event, i was like zonking out practically everywhere when i went to hang out with jo and qiani in the evening. AND my freaking eye bags and dark circles! shooo they go!!!

i dont feel like myself throughout the entire thing
i'm like being another person since my heart wasnt in this even at all right from the start.
i think is those in sgSIX aka sexySIX that made my day sometimes.
overalll, they're entertaining and so nice to me esp when i complain my grievances to them whenever a particular group of people pissed me off.
i think it's all the expectations that matters.
i've seen that when some other sg and slos are enjoying themselves
why cant we
and tadaaa.. for the last 3 days i did!

especially sandcastle building.
when i forgotten my roles of the slo [did only welfare checks here and there]
when i just joined in the fun
and sweat it all out.
and we built a cruise! from a actually industry park with a twin towers.
i ended the day's activities happy and glad with some scratches here and there
thanks to some stranger who popped out in this chapter of my life
and of course we're a enthu group of people!

i think whatever people say really will make an impact on how we react towards others.
so maybe we should sometimes keep our mouth shut
and keep these thoughts to ourselves.
i cannot believe that these people that i meet will remain in my life for so long
and my belief is that though as significant as they are
as much thoughts i put onto them
their impression will fade off after time erodes those feelings we had.
they will all be forgotten until i take these chapters of my life out
and wipe the dust off the surface
till then...

went to chat with jojo.
really missed her during the 6 days
that i'll look for her whenever she's on duty and did our despo talks at her duty point.
it's amusing how much stuffs are going on in our individual life.
the boys in our lives!
see the letter S!
suppose to go home from tamp cos i was zonking out even when walking
and took 69 home
she kindly offered to take the bus home with me with an ulterior motive right??
and i went high and ecstatic when some stranger replied
and yeahhh.
we dropped off at some weird stop
and spent another hour or so there until i was sleepy all over again.

i know nothing is going to work out from all these.
they're just the fun element in my 6 days.
so just let it all fade away with time...
anyway I've learn it from him
it's the time spent face to face that matters
technology just do the surface work..
and it could just kill everything it can create just because of some misunderstandings.

though that the entire event is seriously a waste of my time
and now that i dont know how to save my mid years after this "holidays"
shall wait and see..


i seen a rainbow on one of the hectic mornings
it gave me the hopes i believed is in rainbows.
hopes as readily as they are formed like a rainbow
as easily they could fade away like a rainbow too...
but never the less
i still believe in them
and when can i ever see one again...?

DISCLAIMER: nothing of these should be brought out of my blog, cos i really cant stand people mentioning things in my daily life, esp questions. cos it seems like probing into my thoughts. unless im comfortable with it..

RANDOMS:
why do people blog?
to tell others whatever is happening in our lives
to say things that will make us feel uncomfortable talking about it
why do people read blogs?
to know more things that are happening around us
to criticise whatever the others is thinking.

kelly oh kelly

had lunch with secondary school mates and teacher.
it's pretty long since i've met up with them.
and the get-together company was pretty mixed-up too.
it's rather surprising when i get to find out there's so much things that had happened
oblivious to us all
as interesting as it seems
it just shows the ugly side of human
enough of un-comprehend-able stuffs

going gai gai and dinner with mum later!
yeahh!! happy happy!!
came to realise i didnt spend much time with her recently
which is the past few months
last time i will still eat dinners with her around the neighbourhood
but now...
too occupied with things
serious and nonsensical add together takes up so much time!
now i think she's so used to going out on her own
that when i wanted to meet her just now
she didnt want me to.
but never the mind,
now i'm still going anyways!!

feel very mean.
everytime when i come home for dinner,
i will just not have a big appetite
and she will just cook for us two
which is quite troublesome for her after her work
and i still i dont appreciate it
and i will just vent my anger when she nag at me

how...
when can kelly stop being so mean
what's the point of kelly reflecting after she done it???
and when she wants to learn how to use the com
kelly still dare to ask her to go CC to learn
cos kelly cant manage her time
and whenever kelly got the chance to use the com,
kelly will always limit herself the time.
where's kelly's time and patience for her dear mummy????
kelly dont want to be like the other Ks'
who will leave their dear old mummy at home or shopping alone
after they are off working on weekdays
and weekends with their BFs.
kelly cant take her for granted..
kelly mustn't be like that..
kelly can take it...
and kelly can do it...
kelly-oh-kelly...

PS: i'm just in my oh-i-think-im-so-free mood. so i have the time to reflect and think outside the normal stuffs that im thinking..

side tracking: qiani, i will just post it!! hahaa! being around guys or talking to guys doesnt mean anything. you wont be likeable just because of it. always SHOWING that you are crying doesnt mean you can feel for others or you think deep. it's just all what you want to show others you are. it's what's the basic core reason and gut feeling that matters!

Singapore Flyer

this evening was cool
but failed attempt to chill out.
i enjoyed the atmosphere.
the girl with the higher Pentium make it easy for me
as i do not have to think to much
i like the way you make decisions
it's just so fair can..
cos i won!
hahaas.
the comfortable silence
the amusing stuffs we do...
i enjoy the peace you bring..

*****

conversations makes me feel nostalgic
it brings me back the memories
late night movie
bus rides
train rides
the many things i should have just obliged
the utopian future i have in my mind
all that's memories left...
no regrets..

-i miss those times but i live life as it is now...-
cos i cant afford any distraction...

ramblings and rainbows

WARNING: uber-ly long post, have too many mixed up emotions in me
wasted my entire morning and afternoon again and you know it's for what reason.

slept early in the morning like 1plus in the wee hours of the morning
was actually very sleepy before kc and grace came over to jw's house to stay at 11 plus.
but when they came...
we got back to the ALL-TIME-FAVOURITE topic! SOCCER FINALS!
yeahhness~~
and i'm wide awake by then already..!

back to rehearsals.
i've finally managed to say all my woes[or maybe there's somemore]
to my "favourite" teacher, MOT
and came to realise
it's not really within their control sometimes
and because there's somemore dumberER people above them
and the whole theory of tarnishing the school's image when we are to screw up during these 2 HIGHLY-PRESTIGIOUS ceremonies when there's so manymany important people.
the ugly side of human: the super SUPERFICIAL side of us.[see that i use the word "us", cos i believe everyone will do it no matter what]
noticed some difference in the teachers.
maybe there's some feedback to them??
they climbed the dungeon-like stairs with us.
reflections reflections....

but still i have RAMBLINGS:
what's the point of them saying so much words of appreciation when their actions doesn't say what it should.
and when they say that they appreciate us,
it makes me even more doubtful of it.
though it's not the entire group of teachers not showing it,
but they are still considered as one
so blame it on the black sheep in the group
who is so unsensitive to other's feelings
who cares if you cant feel anything
i feel ridiculed
i feel insutled
i feel ashamed to be USED to be under you
though you are good at work, SO WHAT.
so what if you cant get along with HUMAN
when that's the basics of the basics.
if that's who you are,
sorry i cant accept for who you are.
i feel extremely pissed after the incident and regretted deeply
that i should just stomped off and do whatever i like
since i've already listened to the instructions
and they cant do anything to me
if im against it.
so what if you have different expections.
it's just so ridiculous to be so extreme can.

people must just be so stratified.
it amuses me as well
when they can just leave their fellow team mate out
when they always tell us to mingle around during our events
i sympathized with "her"
and i'm proud of "her"
at least she can sit amongst us ALONE and still get along with us well.
but i'm happy for "her"
as she wont be influenced by the rest of them
when they can just sit down and "discuss" about people
just like what we like to do.
but still,
i've to thank them for the important lessons i've observed from them
the ugly side out there in the society when we are working.
at least it proves to me that it's better to be alone than with the group

i see and learn
i learn and i keep quiet
that doesnt mean i'm oblivous to anything.
it's the same,
being happy out there
doesnt mean im feeling that in here.

sorry, i'm just seriously unhappy with too many things deep inside and i cant get them out verbally, and i've yet to come to a decision. MANY thanks to qiani and jojo who's there when i'm complaining. and qiani, you're observant, damn NICE skills!! hahaa!

*****

now onto a happier note!
last day of school for the term.
decisions decisions again
and i did not feel guilty for what i did
i dont have any intention to apologise
cos i think i know what i'm doing
i know what's my motive of choosing that
i'm just moving towards my goal
and that includes not wasting time
if i can put my time to greater productivity myself
i'll do it.
i'm responsible for my actions.

soccer finals!
went high high high!!
and we won!!
national champions!!!! woohoooo!!!
happy happy for the guys and our school
i like the school spirit in us that day
especailly when so many of them felt forced to come
and they reluctantly stood up in the last few minutes
minus the minorities,
i can feel the school spirit around me
when the time-out whistle went off
and we just went crazy!
i feel the success in the objective of soccer cheering.
so what if the cheering wasnt good in between.
at least i think this is one event that the JC2 can vividly remember
memories of emotions can definitely be held on longer than that of memories of actions.

i will definitely miss soccer cheerings
the last had came and went
and it holds many happy memories
cheering with crazy old mama that day
last time with rach, jojo, qiani, weewee, teow, miao miao, charlene
and so many others...
our crazy and fun moments
at least before the debrief.

it's all of a history...

rainbows are just many many colourful memories...

i believe in rainbows...

lost in my world

just a short post to get me away from the computer
i feel lost at times when i dont know who to turn to.
when some people already having their own cliques
and some others with their own close friend
and sometimes i just wish i could just remain alone
with no complications
but i could not bring myself to do so
cos i fear lonesome.
i fear losing someone i cherish
i fear being alone
i detest being ignored
hence i detest taking the first step

i know some people are already taking the first step
and are trying their best
but i feel bad making them sacrifice because of me
i dont know why
i dont know what i want
that's the reason why i'm lost...

-the rustic feel that i seek for...
the pain behind the beautiful facade...-

PS: i'm contemplating making this blog private cos i've been sharing much more than i think i'm supposed to since im getting more and more lazy to write in my beloved diary.

mumblings and grumblings

ALERT!! MUMBLINGS AND GRUMBLINGS

my "favourite" hobby for the past weeks:
Pre-U Seminar Rehearsals.

i finally saw the importance of it when the principals and teachers can jeopardise our studies to the extent of declaring 2 E-learning days just for some plain dumb rehearsals with no flexibility and DEPRIVING us of our weekends TO BE SPENT ON E-LEARNING.

this is like super super unfair, and we have no avenue to vent our frustrations nor anger except complaining to our friends. i've been rather mean to my group leader KK, self-accaimed kawaiiKAIWEI. i will just tell her that i want to pon some rehearsals or dumb stuff but just make up some fake reasons, letting her lie to the teachers. well, i really cant help it. cos i cant see the point in going for all these.

wait till i see the appreciation we should get before i will really put my heart and soul into this event, which i think i'm "forced" to participate in. some times the teachers just think that by saying some nice stuffs infront of us, are showing their understanding for our plight. i wont see them as understanding us unless i see actions. letting us walk to and fro at the enormous university after the whole afternoon of climbing UP many levels of steps in some dungeon-like stairway WHILE they themselves can JOLLY WELL drive past us in their pretty carS! and after that all they said is "sorry for making you walk up and down." this is just one of the many things i detest.

as important as the ceremonies may be, i dont think we need so much rehearsal to the extent of 2 full days on Thurs and Fri, when they can just talk less and be concise and save our time. and they make us go school at 545am in the morning. had they forgotten we are students and not someone who have pretty cars to drive around. well, i've been rather mean and bad mood on wednesday and i just messaged our kawaiiKAIWEI "are the school asking SBS to start their services earlier for us?" well, it meant to have the sarcasm in it, but she dont seem to get it, and i felt so guilty being so mean to a innocent girl..

NOW, after the today, i think i'm beginning to accept these irritating stuff with the people around us. my group is very encouraging for me in a sense that at least they dont bore me out and we even went to Simpang Bedok for dinner today. it's rather heart-warming when i recalled the times when i was just an OGL and there wasnt much politics as everyone is just there to receive instructions. when we just did what we like, complain and make noise as much as we want. apologies to you guys okays.. cos they always have to hear me complain, and they even help me carry my shoe bag. haha. tell you they are great alr!

and woohoooo!!! MJC soccer team onto the finals this wednesday once again!!! yesshhhh!!

*****

i feel that i'm so weak this year.
i've been doing very little
i've been feeling very tired.
but my brain had been working alot...
thinking too much is really very tiresome..

*****

i feel drained at tired.
i cant comprehend what's on your mind...

-where is my long awaited rainbow?
Rainbow brings the much-needed joy to my day...-

PS: i cant stand people with no ORIGINALITY! oh come on... have a style of your own please!
human is just so interesting that though we know we or others hate it, yet we still like to do it...