what you crave for?

whooo. 1 paper down! dont think i did fantastic, and in fact, i was rather disappointed. chem supposed to be one of my stronger mods this sem. but doesnt seems like it.

nevertheless, 1 down and 5 more to go! hhaha. that sounds alot still :/

-you'll just be thankful that you tried your best, and glad that it's over.-

distraught!

think there never fail to be moments when i breakdown during each and every sems.

this time it's the last mid-term, and i really cant take it.

the house is so so noisy, and i cant comprehend what the solution is talking about):

felt so helpless all a sudden. totally clueless as to who i can ask for help, who i can rely on.

all those around me can only tell me to relax and not be so stressed up.

but what i need is real help.

guess relaxing can help by making me stop thinking about it for that moment. and hopefully when i get back to it, i will be enlightened.

tsktsk. wishful thinking girl.

i kept telling myself that whatever i need to know is in my notes. but sometimes i feel like admitting to myself that, its all be a way of deceit.

never mindd. whatever i cant do, others cant do it too. the principle of bell curve.

but still. feels so pek chek.

sometimes i really wish that i have a hall or some quiet room. some really conducive place. some where that i can be as and when i like. libraries are awesome. but sch lib is too far for studying at night, bedok lib closes at 10): have to make do with whatever ive got, and adaptable. i kept telling myself that its the mind that allows the disturbances in. im right, righttt(:

so much brain power needed! needed for my mugging, needed for the control of unnecessary noises. oh please, cant you guys just shut up):

feeling so unhappy now, and yet on a side note, ive done with 3AUs! today completed the test. so long since i last written long essay style answers. felt rather satisfied with myself. hope i can get at least an A- for it pleasssee. need that to pull my thermoDIE grade upppppp!!

-a very distraught mind.-

MUGGER VS LIFE

Hi Mugger,

Bye Life!

had enough fun and joy for the sem,

and now the serious mood!

less than 1 and half month to the END of the sem!

awesome mucccchhh!

HWAITING((:

shall mug harder than i've ever did!

may the power be with moi!!!

SPEAK UP your thoughts!

astro done with. seriously love for the subject is so much not enough to. more of the responsibility of having to it. i attended lectures faithfully, listening as well cos i thought the course was interesting. however, studying for it is a total nightmare. had sucha hard time memorizing so much facts! shall see my test grade before deciding if i should SU it. then i can focus on my cores.

had sucha painful ride back just now. wasted time to get some survey forms. ultra thick ones. for foreigners working here (whoever can help me, please drop me a text!!). its for some canvassing event that UOC had taken up. really dumb stuff. back to my painful ride home. firstly, waited ultra long before the NTU shuttle service came. i had just "nice" missed the bus. although the feeling isnt nice at all. and i was first in line waiting for like uberly long before the v v packed bus came. AND DIDNT STOP! that was alright, when the 2nd pack bus came along. managed to get up the bus and there's some tiongs trying to cut queue behind me. and i had accidentally stepped on her foot. since she's like right behind, trying to squeeze up the bus. felt the sudden satisfaction. however, it was so short lived. continued my way to pioneer station. its like the 2nd last station on the green line, AND all the seats were taken up!! totallllyyy! not my day can! my normal fave seat is gone. and the train started getting all stuffy and i was feeling really grouchy and lousy. not forgetting the fact that ive only gotten 4ish hours of sleep, and survived on caffeine and red bull for the day.

how sucky can my day be man. and i kept thinking why i ended up going back to at peak hours. its all cos of the damn survey!! seriousslllyy. wanna pull out from the UOC main comm. getting on my nerves, the commitment and meetings and canvassing shit that ive got to do. not like i went to interview for the biz mag role and wanted to be in it. seriously. i went back to pageant comm firstly cos i thought ive got no other commitment, 1 is alright. and also i enjoyed the company of the pageant people. but now, it seems to have gotten me into deeper shit. some shit that i don even know that people im working with nor am i happy with what im doing. i just feel like pulling out. seriouslllyyyy. i will set my mind to it, and have a good talk with my BOSS! hahaha! its either ive got some prejudice against how the heads of the main comm people works or sth. their cult rules doesnt work on me, im so sorry to say that! hah!

set my mind to it and say it!

i felt like a loser at times. will you people practise altruistic punishment? telling some one to clear her plates when everyone supposed to put away their used cutleries after eating. telling someone that she should queue up although she didnt cut your queue but some one else's? i need to speak my mind rather than curse and swear inside me. seriously. hahaa. bad for my mind and soul! lol..

-why oh why..-

THE WILL POWER!

hello!

it shall be me-myself time soon!

close myself up in the room and mugggg! less than 50 days to the end of it. i thinnkkk((:

projects are finally almost done. actually one of it only. i think its just getting used to it. you cant change others, but you can accept others right! making do with what i can.. sigghss.

mugged with kc from morning to evening on sat. rather productive i think. and i seriously miss mugging with her! miss A and O level days. seriously. i want something away from math and science. but im like bonded to them for the next 3 yrs at least! rooaarss. love them deep deep too, then i shall be!

HANG IN THERE peeps!

kc dearest! stay motivated and feel free to call me or drop me a text when you need to get away from your workload kkies!! STAY STRONGG(:

-will and mind VS the physical conditions!!-

self satisfaction?

Always just second best.

You know the story? the race between the hare and the tortoise? they left out the squirrel. Yes, it was to be a race between the three of them, but everyone conveniently left out the squirrel, because he was just second best.

the hare was happy; he was the fastest, the champion! the tortoise was happy; he finished the race even though he was last! But the squirrel, nope, nobody even remembers his existence; because he was just second best.

What is there to be remembered about the second best? nothing. merely a substitute or some sort; like when the runner up represented Singapore instead of Ris Low. See, get what I mean, I dont even remember the runner up's name. darn.

And then, I realised, I am this squirrel. always just second best.

Extracted that from one of my friend's blog. Credits to spoon.

think it's kinda true, being average doesnt allow you to be remembered. its just a passing fad that you got second and that's all. but in singapore, maybe being second isnt so bad afterall. less attention and all. in work, the no 1 gets the better pay, may get retrenched earlier? get more work to do since you are better? the competitive society makes people pit against the 1st.

alrightey. my argument on this getting no where. think its more of doing your best and achieving the much needed self satisfaction. bought a new whiteboard todayyy! and tried some revamping of my desk. hopefully it gives me some more mood to study! hahaha! shall continue on my project!!

awwww. alot alot of complaints about my project meetings and projectmates): sometimes its not so good having friends have projectmates too. cos you're so afraid of jeopardizing the f/s so you just keep yourself mum): never mind. more complaints next time!!

-self-satisfaction? what i really want then?-

my worthy-ness

im seriously not keeping to my resolution of not opening up my google chrome. see where am i now. hahahaha. the only resolution that im keeping to is sleeping 8 hours a day. cos i really feel refreshed the next day! but seems like my project stopping me from doing that too. the people around me ain't exactly the optimum influence that i would like, but i can do it the other way round by being the good influence instead right. exams is like THIRTY EIGHT days away! awesome shittt. i can only think of what happens AFTER the exams insteaddd! LOL i need to have something for me to look forward to, maybe thats how i did so well for O's.

ive been trying to have the same O's feelings back. how i managed to do so well, what i did. some of you may ask, why not the A levels, since its closer. simply, cos i screwed it up! hahahaa. blame no one but myself. guess im not consistent enough? but ive been trying to make that into a lesson learnt. but im still lazy at times): howhowhowww. sometimes i just feel like giving up. trying so hard, but i still cant grasp the concept. my friends not exactly someone i can turn to. how i wish i could go back to the good o secondary days, when i can always turn to my classmates and of course KC when im in doubts. teachers were also easily available. uni is a bitch. the prof always say that they are willing to help, but they go overseas during holidays, they are busy and yada yada. you get what i mean. they just have their own life too. their commitment level is perhaps 5% of their life? cos that's the lecture time that they need to put in to get their paycheck? hahahaaa. im being cynical. rooars. and i just force myself to listen to the lecture recording over and over again. hoping i can extract some important info that ive missed out earlier on. awesome sheeeeeet, kelly.

im supposed to be here trying to brainwash myself into studying. butttt. seems like it turns out to a complain session instead! my nose not at a optimum condition to mug, and ive taken an expired clarinese pill! will sth happen to me?? i think my body mass will be able to block out whatever harm the expired pill will do to me right! hahaha! optimistic muccch!

after reading the HOTA letter, i think im maybe much more worthy to the society when im not around! they make me feel like my organs are so wanted by some useful but ailing people out there! not that im not happy with living and im definitely NOT suicidal! its just a thought of mine.. since im not contributing much to the society much now. maybe more carbon dioxide emission? heh. i was telling karo, that i wanna donate my face too. to burn victims or one of the not v pretty snsd member. hahahaa. then she said i need plastic surgery): tsktsktsk.

the lame jokes are like the only life i got left.

-you aim among for the moon to land among the stars.-

MOTIVATION

i hereby ban myself from opening my google chrome until after 12am!

my school work had to be done in IE, hence, google chrome is actually just for FB and fun. must control and stay focus. less than 50 days to exams! it will be over before i know it! i know righttt... was feeling so restless yet forcing myself to stay in the room. went to look for inspira tional videos instead. hahhaa.

Perseverance is not a long race,

it is many short races, one after another. -Walter Elliot

likes that the best. the rest so so only. i've finished 1st round of mid terms. 2nd round coming soon, and ive got no time for procrastination. must do things efficiently to be able to have for fun alrights! wanna go flea this saturday. my bag broke): and it broke in school. like totally right. sighhs. anyways, shall start reading textbooks! i think they should have subtitles for electures! the prof accent is seriously mind-bogglinggg! not v helpful for our already tedious modules!

-Ask yourself, what are the two or three things that you can do to move yourself forward?-

WAKEUPYOURIDEAAA!

okayy. i think i need to put in even more effort. damn. thats really bad. thought ive put in enough): got back one of my tests. i got lke 15. average marks is around 18. and the prof started saying if you got the average marks, you will be scoring B's for the mod. and if you are below that, probably C. roars. seriously. the 3 marks converted to like percentile is like 1.6% of the entire grade. ikr. you are trying to get us to start working harder. ikr. and when we saw the tiong tiong holding his script, he got a blarddyyy TWENTYFOUR! thanks so so much for the wake up call. that was "wake up your idea" in your face. and apparently he could have gotten a full mark if not for the prof penalizing him for some minor error cos the prof thinks that he shouldnt get a full marks since his answers ain't extrodinary! tsktsktsk. buddeeenn. now i think who im competing with, though i just disregard them like since long ago.

was feeling so grumpy and tired from my project meetings and working hard. this is the shit i get. sigghs. i think i need to disconnect myself from the world and sink into my world of mugging. projects not very good. trying to steer away the "Valence effect". something that i've learnt from todays HRM lect. it's about the process loss incurred when working in teams. cos decisions were made poorly under the influence of others. (aiseh, kelly you were paying attention during a 830 lesson!) anyways, my group is like the standard singaporeans kind. working the minimal in the group, hoping some other person will put in the extra effort. and settling for what is required instead of pushing their limits. i hope i wont be tired from pushing them. dislike the sloppy work that were satisfied with at first. but at least they still bother working with me when i said that our content is still lacking((: and we've discovered a good area for discussion the the library! awesome flatscreen in the air-conditioned discussion area! woooots!!(:

-remember that you're not competing with others but yourself. if you know everything, you will be equally good!-

YOU'RE MISSED!

i think it runs in the family. the way we talk and stuffs. had a pretty happy dinner with mom. think im so deprived of talking to people and i kept mumbling and couldnt stand the silence while we're eating. had a walk with her around the neighbourhood and did some exercise with her at the park. hahaha. sounds so mommy's girl. but i think im speaking to her less and less. as compared to the past of course. now she can no longer relate to most of my friends since she hasn't seen them or whatsoever. kinda sad. and our saturdays-out shopping are cut to dinner at nearby malls to just the hawker centre down the road. how life can rob you of quality time. sigghs. can only see how much she has aged over the years.

my family isn't one which expresses our love openly. we dont hug hug kiss kiss like how kynan does it with us, nor do we leave sweet gifts and messages for one another. we do it in a more practical way. think that is something that is really in our blood. and we remember things pretty well. good and bad. hahahaa.. calculative if you say so. (: not being to express ourselves well maybe bad. but deep down, i know how much my dad and mom care for all of us. dad always making sure ive got enough money, buying food for me though he's so tired or lazy to go out. how he worries for kynan and jie. and the way mom gets what i need. when i complain about the food she cooks. she still bother to stop cooking them (for a few weeks though.haha.) though she complains that i complained about her cooking! hahaha. im so thankful having such great parents. although we always ask for more, but you know right, sometimes im just being stubborn and whine-y. who else can i whine to other than you guys((:

studies makes me brood over such small things. less words spoken in a day, more time for me to think deeply. baddddd. hahaha. shall make it a point to catch up with some friends after this mid terms and before the crazy exam period come crashing into my schedule!

pohpoh! (dontknow if you still read) you're so missed! (esp how you express yourself and your funny lingo!) and you're joining the BIG 2 familyyyy SOON! all the best for your exams!

-i need to be happier!-

AIM HIGHER

gotta really start mugging for my tests on monday! 3 days left! from my 9 days recess week): aisssh. time really flies when you're enjoying it. the previous 2 days seems so distant and gone in a blink. spent wed with keechen-sshi watching movies and shopping with bi before that. and thurs was seriously a brain-dead day when we think so much for our 2 projects. but there after was singing to our hearts' content! we sing alot, jumped alot, screamed alot! hahahaha!

had ah loy thai for lunch! it's a thai restaurant at shaw towers. not badd. if you've eaten that and the nahkon at bedok, you will never be tempted to try thai express already! ahahaha! thai express too commercialized! there's like no thai authentic feel.

shall go back to thermodynamics and math. consistency girl!!((:

-aim higher, so that when you fall, at least you will still be amongst the stars(: -

addiction

had a screwed up afternoon in bedok lib.

went for my lunch as per normal leaving my stuff there.

and when i came back, my stuffs were shoved aside by 4 sec sch delinquents): tsktsk. the worse thing is that they werent even studying properly. and mentioned that the librarian told them no booking of seats. this is like my first time this kinda thing had happened since i started mugging there in sec sch! totally felt wth at that moment. wanted to like screw her eyeliner eyes out. yeah. sec sch with eyeliner in sch uniform. totallyyy. pissed. never mind. shall not bear any more grudges else i will grow older and more wrinkles for nothing. went to a super noisy mac instead. managed to complete some tutorial and went home. sigghs. cos it was raining so heavily that i can get home): rainy days' curse. but the chilly weather was awesome. listening to my fav songs walking home. reading to my novel. new jodi picoult novel. hope its not like another sadistic story that got me crying for hours :X and i got addicted into it!

must control myself! and discipline! ive come to a conclusion. you must have the heart and mind to study. the environment doesnt matter much. shall try mugging at home! TRY! hahaa. hope the weather will stay cool and nice! my room is good when ive got the whole house to myself! peace with the occasional snores from old kai. hahaha.

tmr is half day of fun, while thurs is just projects! hope we can be efficient and not waste time. organised the day for project. hope my coursemates wont find me domineering or what. im just trying to finish things fast kkies.

i need some patience. sometimes i cant stand things going too slowly. kelly, you need to slow down and catch some breath at times too. i guess i just do these in my own time. to avoid wasting others people time? isnt that better?

im getting more independent. slightly more i guess. i used to dread eating lunches or dinner on my own. even in hall, if i need to eat it alone, i will eat it while watching my video. especially dread eating in the coffee shop or hawker centre on my own. once i remembered watching videos on my itouch while eating. i guess this is a weakness in me? or just something i hope to stay away from. and on monday, i did it! hahaha. without thinking too much actually its alright. i hope i can let this independence stay in me!

-the novel i read mentioned about forgiveness. i shall practise what i preach. -

FUN & JOY

when you take something, you gonna repay it.

napped for 1 hour. so now im like wide awake. doing my e lectures happily though((: tmr shall wake up at the same time to go lib! DISCIPLINE! must haveee! got 2 tests on monday after the recess week. hope im not so hopeless during the tests! my beloved physics and math mod. needa do well to pull up for the main papers! aja aja hwaiting!

got more and more things lined up for the recess week though. bi asked me to shopped for her sis pressie. and i don have the heart to say no. this one will really feel bad. sigghs. work harder, and be more efficient bah. and i said no for the first biz mag meeting! awesome feeling though! had a great bff who knows how to make decisions for me(: and she knows how to think logically. at least better than my coin throwing stints! hahahaha!

needa sleep else cant wake up tmr. no 1 lullaby: reading my thermody notes! lol!

-everything should be fun, just that there will always be some other stuff that you enjoy doing more - Mister Inspiration. yeah man! studying is so so FUN!!((: no sarcasm intended!

BITCHY ME.

okay. deleted some post. felt real bitchy about it and i think there's no need to be so harsh. just quit thinking kelly, and just enjoy what you have to enjoy.

maybe giving in is someway of accumulating good karma too!

when one person quarrels with so many others, you know the problem doesnt lie in us but maybe in you.

Smile - Uncle Kracker (w/ lyrics)

DREAMS.

i think the song really nice!

smile like the sun!

i wanna be like a flower growing out from the crack of the pavement.

taking away all the water.

sounds so strong. am i?

anyways. today had been a great day. empasize the day part of the sentence. seriously. i believe in a happiness quotient. you cannot be happy for so long. cos soon, some of the happiness will be taken away. and this quotient never increases but just remain. so have the faith that you will be happy once more. one of the little theories in my spongebob. think i have too many unspoken weird theories.

you may have lost someone, but you will gain something back in return. yeah. keep the little faith.

day out with kynan boy is real good. when you just hang out for all the joy and innocence in the world. seriously. the world had stopped today and i felt that ive relaxed abit. buttt. now im like back in reality. how much it suck. especially the transition. kids never fail to express how they feel. "i dont like you" they say it as blatantly as their abc. and their "i love you", come in forms of hugs and kisses. and they really meant it. maybe at the moment only, but still. it still a happiness quotient increase! (applying my lil theories) enough of bragging of my cute lil nephew. how i wish i can like spend more time with kids maybe start some volunteering or something? but i think i will get exasperated in a long run.

my dreams. what do i have? my kdrama was like saying, how can she not have a dream when she's already so old. the girl is like a normal plain jane. not good in anything. just a average in everything. that sounded like me. but i seriously wont have a crush for 4 years! that is like insane! but still, if the 4 years turns out like hers, whoohooo! i will go bonkers instead! hahaahaha! anyways. even a plain jane like her can have dreams. as long as you put your heart to accomplishing it. then the dream will not sound absurd. how true is that((: of course! cos its coming from Baek Seung Jo!!! hahahaha! im like gonecase nutty girl here. alrighteyy. i dont exactly have a real dream as in straight after uni. maybe when im older, i would like a childcare? a small one doesnt matter as well. cos at least i can live old with kids and their innocent world. ((: dreams! hahaha! laugh all you want!!

alrighttt. a lil novel and off to bed! no more pms monsters nor moody moods!!

-just like the flower poking through a side walk crack. would you make me smile.-

GOOD KARMMAAA!!

oh my. time seems to fly when you dont have enough. test on thurs, and i have started early.. buddeenn. think i still don have enough time): only fun time is like my meals time. sighs. mug mug mugg. my way of life! CHEERS! no sarcasm intended!

pom-sy time before the mugga-holic life resumes!

PS: i let my seat to a mom carrying a toddler, and offering to pass some stuff to my mom's friend. good deeds? hahahaha!

-im accumulating good karma. lemme have a better life.-

FISHIE FISHIE pond pondd.

yeah! two mid-terms are finally over for this sem! first 2 tests for the sem. i know the grades for the first one. alrighteyyy. need to maintain maintain! and hope this mod can be used to pull up the grades for other subj which i suck at. 70/100! happyy-nessss!!((: though i dislike the feeling of big fish in a small ponndd): dont know how to react. maybe i need to like read up on the complete idiot's guide to reactions. or should i say the how to please others. argghs, its okay its alright, kelly kelly fight fight fightt! think i study till all the cheers are going on and on in my head.

lab reports, tutorials and 1 more test to go! hwaitinggg! the hot weather and the much brain processes going on are burning up my brain): give my lil spongebob more juices kkies!! i feel like staying hall just for the aircon mannzz. hot weather is sucha turn off! buddeen. any other factors tell me to stay homeeee): sigghs. shoo the bad weather!

i think my patience are slowly wearing off): no no wayy man! they're really nice ppl right! i dont really adore ppl who walks too slowly(esp in front of me!), or dilly dallying. sigghs. must love them for who they are! ive got an awesome group of coursemates, but i need to instill a sense of urgency in them! and the attention span! hahaha! or i think i should slow down my pace of life instead! heehee. chillax chillax all the wayy!! arrgh. shudddup kelly!

-big fish in a small pond, small fish in a big pond. say NO to comparison!-

Stay Strong!

something that i thought it was nice to share((:

stay strong, peeps!

BAEK SEUNG JO!

back from the orthodontist visit. it was scary when he started giving me an option with surgery and everything. just too wow. me no celeb. no matter how perfect it can make my jawline to be, i think the pain will not be that worthwhile. hahaha. stick with what my sisters had done, the 4 extractions. the only thing that made my day is that the perfectionist dentist said that i've got a perfect lower row of teeth! wooots! didnt know it was so perfect. thought everything just messed up! hahaha. as in, not till the extent of perfect. perfect also no use): need to extract 2 teeth from it.. sigghs.

life sucks, take drugs! hahaha! that silly lingo that kc taught me!

i've been procrastinating a little. followed my schedule here and there, but still, i hope the mcq test will be alright. i seems to have known everything, or i just dont know that i've actually got a whole chunk of info that i missed it?? hate this kinda feeling. i wanna have the brains of Baek Seung Jo!

intelligent and good looking! but maybe not his attitude. heee. go watch Playful Kiss on Viikii if you dont understand me! you wont regret! feasting on something looking so perfect bring your stress and worries far away...

i think my life is like stuck there. always at that place. like 4th time???

-why is it always there?-