my conflicting thoughts

i think today i was hit the hardest.
like finally huh..?
in the entire jc life.
i subconsciously told myself that failing is the norm.
and as long as i improve
nothing would be worse off than that.
but today i think my glass of water overflowed...
but i think ive managed to mask my emotions in front of many many people.
except some when i finally broke down
and let my guard down.

i could not understand what is happening
when i have more time to study after cca stand down
it's really alot alot more time as compared to last time.
when all free time seems to have gone to resting cos of the overwhelming workload.
and now..
all the subjects which i used to pass have now let me down.
i seriously dont know why..
it's just so depressing knowing the fact that the results doesnt seem to match the amount of effort put in.
comparing with others,
comparing with past efforts
comparison makes everything worse off..

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i dont dare to count the amount of time left
cos im not sure how i will take it and how i will make use of it.
im confused when one teacher will tell us the most we can jump is 2 grades
while so many others says otherwise
not sure if one wants to wake us up or the latter trying to motivate us..
and i seriously think i should change my way of blogging cos it's affecting my language real bad, as well as my sceptical thoughts never will work out in essays.
why cant they just accept the facts that we are facing, instead of saying that they are just about our small tiny world we live in?

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i need more independence in myself. i've been requiring people to accompany me everywhere and doing every single thing. maybe tomorrow when i wake up and realise im on a deserted island. then i will need to learn how to do things by myself. i need to realise that everyone is different.

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i hate the feeling especially when i need to break the news to my mum. not that she really cares before the exams, but after when i tell her the grades, which i take efforts to do so, i dont know how to continue. maybe she's worried just like how im worried when i see these lousy grades, but i dont know how to further tell her my last two subjects. and they are my used-to-pass subjects. yeahhh, so it's like so comforting.

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i dislike it when people takes things out of my blog and discuss it with my face to face, especially some stuffs that i dont intend to say out explicitly. i think this had happened to me a couple of times. so i just want to make a note to those reading out there, if you wish to make any comments, just tag alright? cos im not those who blog to show off about their life. i prefer to keep these private moments for myself and my close ones. so blogging just to let off those air in my head. [so that me no AIRHEAD! Lol..] ive been tolerating cos i think it doesnt affect you and you didnt know about it. now that you know about it, please remember yeahh.. i will mention things personally to those i wish to open up with, and even if you know the hidden meaning, you dont have to announce that you know, and i know when one knows or doesn't. and i think this only applies to certain issues that's more sensitive to me. if you dont understand me well enough, just dont mention anything yeahh? this paragraphh strictly applies to MORE than ONE person, so please dont take it personally.

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goshh!!
and the fun of it got out of hand!!