what i want

i think im seriously hard to entertain.
i feel real guilty.
when i complain about my mum worried about my grades AFTER the exams
and now im feeling bad about her treating me so well.
grrr...
i seriously dont know what i expect.

*****

i know life will never be like it used to be.
definitely changing for the worst
when every lectures and tutorials i enter.
it will just remind me of the hell-ish decision ive made.
i dont know what state of mind i had at that time
to make myself suffer so much.
perhaps i know deep inside that it's all for the better future??
yeahh,
perhaps when one isnt in a situation, one will be able to see things more clearly.

*****

gosh.. I'm supposed to write in proper sentences hoping that it will help me improve my language and whatsoever. Though the help may be minimal, but still, maybe i can minimise the harm done??
spoke to a couple of my subject tutors, as in like randomly after asking them some questions. they seems pretty optimistic about us scoring our A's, like they drop down from heaven like that for free. but i still cannot believe that it's possible when i've never ever ever step out of the E grade for any of my content-based subjects. i think i'm very much traumatized by my grades, hence keep harping on them. i just hope that these pain will stay within me to remind me the need to constantly work hard, and not have any excuses whenever im feeling tired.

*****

there's many a times when i wish to speak to you. but when i think about the efforts needed to keep the conservation going, it sorta stopped me. i dont know why is it like that, and i certainly hope it's just the tech that's the cause of it. maybe it's the reverse of what had happened previously. yeahh, all my nonsensical hopes. as much as technology simplify things, it also made situations harder to handle. there's so many times when i need to learn when to stop and where the line should be drawn. i seriously think i've made a fool of myself, and it's not only once but many many times. as much as it's for the fun of it, but now, the misunderstanding is abit hard to clear.

*****

tears cant bring me what i want.
neither do empty words and promises.
i just need to work towards it..
and where do all my strength comes from..
i hope it's from ...

ps: sometimes i wish i could disappear and never be seen again. and im disappearing soon..